Bush Gets Catty
Washington, Thursday, July 20th 2006.
George W. Bush today signed into law the “No Cat Left Behind Act”, ringing in a new era of state-sponsored animal rights advocacy, unprecedented in modern history. Bush said at the signing ceremony that “each American cat has the right to a future. We oughtta make sure that all cats in the homeland are accounted for and that they receive the proper training to become become successful American citizens.” His decision was welcomed by a standing ovation from his supporters, even after he acknowledged that “… many mistakes have been made. We must be ruthless and ensure that all American cats are trained to meet a certain federal set of standards in order to effectively face the growing threat of terrorism at home and in countries that have large untapped oil reserves.”
When asked as to how Bush intends to facilitate this through the lovingly dubbed ABLCaN (the inverse acronym of “No Cat Left Behind Act”), Bush did not respond. It is evident, however from analyzing the poorly-written text of the new law, that Bush intends to divide the 50 states into arbitrarily determined “zones,” drawn up by infants, which are further subdivided into “districts” according to the density of the cat population.
The purpose of this is, according to the ABLCaN, to institute a “leader” cat for each zone, which oversees “admirals” in each of the zone’s districts who enforce certain performance guidelines for the resident cats, which are universal throughout the nation and cannot be altered. If a certain percentage of cats in a district, according to the admiral’s quarterly report to the leader cat, fall short of the specified requirements, the leader cat “re-zones” that entire district into a federally-controlled “remedial zone,” which is overseen by the “mediator cat” (see picture), which is appointed every 15 years by the leader cats.
In addition, all leader and mediator cats must adhere to a strict dress code, which resembles that of Adolf Hitler and his top-ranking generals. Additional remedial subzones are created should the number of cats increase beyond the zone’s initial capacity. The majority of subzones will be governed by direct descendants of the mediator cat, which may only breed with leader cats. Cats in remedial zones are not allowed to breed as long as they are “in the zone.” They are kept on a stringent diet and are required to perform endurance tasks that are designed to strengthen their morale and loyalty to America, as well as make them physically and mentally ready to defeat terrorists.
Cats who are deemed to be in special need of training are switched to a null diet until their performance improves. Moreover, should a cat remain in a remedial zone for longer than 90 days (or 30 days for kittens), the cat will be castrated. If a cat remains in the zone for longer than one year (or six months for kittens), the cat will be put to death.
Legal experts believe that the Bush administration pushed through this new law in order to strengthen the US cat population, since excess social funding has become available due to the sweeping success of the war on terrorism in Iraq. According to a source close to Bush, he believes that a “purified” cat population will have a “trickle-down” effect, which will result in lower taxes, a stronger economy, as well as an automatic strengthening of our borders, as potential illegal immigrants will likely be deterred by the new generation of American killer cats.
Bush’s new strategy was welcomed almost equally from both sides of the aisle, demonstrating yet another successful bipartisan effort which underscores the efficiency with which the the US government passes anti-terroist legislation after 9/11.
A small minority of extremists, most of whom hold law doctorates, predicted immediately after the new law was announced that Bush’s proposed plan will decimate the cat population to 10% of its 2006 value in the next three years and is guaranteed to eliminate the entire US cat population within seven to ten years. Those enemy combatants are currently being held indefinetely on US Military Base Guantanamo Bay, Cuba , on no charges. AP.
Report by Brian Silverstein for the Associated Press. <btsilverstein@inmyholyopinion.com>
